Skip to main content

Motherless and Childless on Mother's Day

So, yesterday was Mother's Day here in the US, if you forgot you might want to stop what you're doing and give your Mom a phone call - if she's still around that is. Mine isn't and so I find myself in an odd phase of life I never thought I'd be in - motherless and childless. It makes the day . . . interesting. A friend of mine posted on facebook how the tradition of Mother's Day was started by a woman who had recently lost her own mother, I never knew that and it did change my perspective to make the day a little better. Of course I do have a mother, everyone does, so when I say "motherless" I mean the lack of earthly presence - she wanted it this way but It's not even like I have a grave to visit and put flowers on. My grandmother is alive though so I spent the day with the family starting off by going to church, the priest was actually very personal about his own mother during the homily and it surprisingly made the day more easy to bear as well, just because my mom is gone from a physical presence doesn't mean my love for her has stopped. I also spent the day avoiding facebook.
 
On the flip side I wonder more and more about my own role in the circle of life and if I will ever be a mother. I am very blessed in the knowledge that this is something I am able to make a choice about. I know a lot of women who struggle with infertility and reproductive issues and people who spend years wondering if they will ever be chosen to get a baby up for adoption; baring an accident or major illness, that will not be me. In my early 20s my desire for children was strong and my ability to do so was always a top of mind health conversation , when issues came up it was always the first thing I would ask about. But oddly enough the older I get the less important it seems. In my younger years I used to feel bad for friends who told me they didn't want children and I would wonder so what's the point of being married and growing old? And I still wonder these things but I see more rationale thought in their desires. I'm at the age where many of my friends have children and while its exciting to see how happy they are it doesn't make me jealous like I always thought it would, or like I'm missing out on anything. At times it makes me sad because the more of my friends have children the less I have in common with them, And to all the women out there who say motherhood doesn't change you please, oh yes it does. Shoot there are even plenty of moms out the blogging about it and making videos to show their friends why they can no longer hang out. It's not a bad thing to be changed by motherhood but it does happen. When I think of how I very may well choose not to have children I feel terrible and it makes me do something I know is wrong - it makes me question God. How can I have this perfectly healthy reproductive system and question using it when there are so many out there who would do anything to be in my situation; it's just not fair.
 
Maybe it's because I live in the south or maybe it's because most of the people I hang out with a women but despite all the freedoms of choice women have come to have I still feel a strong message from society that says women are supposed to be mothers. Sometimes I feel like I'm turning in to an anti-mom blogger, and anytime I question the concept of children, how they behave, and how they are cared for I'm told how I'll feel differently when I have them myself. When, not if. These are two big turns off to the whole thing in itself, first off I don't like the idea that I'm "supposed" to do something because its the norm. Also, I do not like this idea of being changed by motherhood, I don't want to change. Of course all of these thoughts make me go back to thoughts of my own mother and you'd think that would make me see motherhood in a positive light but it doesn't. For almost two years I've lived with the guilt of being bothered by the way my own mother lived her life and how it ended and again it causes me to question my relationship with God. There are a lot of people who talk about our lives having a purpose and once we have full filled our purpose going back to God . My mother dies at 52, not much long after my younger sister had "left the nest", Her dog had died before her that January and her cat was on her last leg of life- everyone she had raised and cared for had moved on - so does that mean she full filled her purpose? After her death people spoke to my sister and I about how much our mom always talked about us and put us first and I know it's a. true b. something people were trying to say to be nice and c. a thought that should have brought me comfort but instead it is something that bothered me in her life and bothers me even more that she's gone.
 
The thing of it is my Mom was a really good mom. She was certainly a better mom than a wife and always much more concerned about her performance as a mother than at any job she had. And when I was 5 or 10 or shoot even 19 that was great. But the older I got the more it actually became a burden. It's incredibly hard to build a life of your own when your mother has not given up her need to "mother" you and have her happiness depend upon what she thinks your life should be. It bothered me that my mother never went back to school or really pursued a career, she spent 15 years working in schools and would have been a great teacher but lacked the desire to make it happen. It bothered me that my mother didn't like to read or had hobbies that could be done on one's own. It bothered me that she never moved past being angry about getting divorced and it bothers me that she spent the last part of her life being increasingly lonely and depressed, the depths of which was not really apparent to me until after she was gone. Word to the wise - when you are gone your family will find out the things you never told them. Of course when I say the word bothered I mean an odd combination of guilt and anger.
 
I like to think that I can't see a clear picture of how awesome it could be to be a mother because I am still clouded by the grieving process of losing my own. But since its something I can't even figure out for myself right now I know it sure as hell isn't a decision that society should make for me.
 

Comments

  1. Sweetheart, don't beat yourself up about the "rightness" of wanting or not wanting children. That's a personal decision that might change in a different part of your life. Just because you have a uterus doesn't make you morally obligated to grow children in it. It's not a character flaw to not feel maternal.

    I'll also wholeheartedly acknowledge that motherhood changes you. It makes it harder to go out on the spur of the moment. It changes your perspective about just about everything. That being said, it doesn't have to be sacrificing yourself on the altar of the children you've produced. I've learned that to stay sane I have to have an identity which has nothing to do with my husband or child. I'm a person with my own likes and my own dreams, and those things can work in concert with my family.

    No one said you had to have your whole life figured out in the next 10 minutes. Walk through the grief process. See what life brings your way. Be a mother or not. God has an amazing plan for you either way. Your mother's choices were her own. Your choices belong strictly to you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I had posted on my FB last friday that i was not looking forward to Mothers Day and also avoided facebook most all of yesterday. I was never able to have children due to some bad girlie plumbing problems and 95% of the time i am at peace with it. The other 5% shows up and i get really sad and feel sorry for myself because i have no one to pass on a legacy and my crap too. LOL. I do have a living mom but she lives very far away from me in Montana and well its just crazy expensive to visit her and vice versa. I am very blessed to have her and we talk on the phone almost everyday. My sweet cousin struggles with infertility and she also lost her mom recently so the day just sucks for her in general. I think this is a great and honest post! Praying for your grief and for some peace and clarity to come to you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I, also, could not stand my mother's insistence on identifying herself through me. She is a master's educated professional, but she also never got past the divorce and her mental illness worsened as I grew, until I was her whole world. She's also manipulative and abusive. We no longer speak. It's hard enough to be my own reason for living; I can't do it for someone else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry to hear that. I think a lot of people applaud mom's who make their kids their everything and I just want to scream no no no, and stop that.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Amazon

Popular posts from this blog

Custom Hair Care with Formulate

I've had short hair most of my life, but the past few years I have been growing my hair out and one thing has become very clear - long hair is a commitment. And long hair that has been color treated for years is a project, which is why I was so excited when the team at Formulate reached out to have me try their new custom shampoo and conditioner. Even better yet - we have teamed up to give one lucky reader their own custom set for FREE!

Enter GIVEAWAY here! Getting hair care customized for your hair sounds complicated but the process was very simple as a consumer - I took a brief survey about my hair's current condition and what my hair goals were - you can pick up to five. I have a pretty oily scalp so that was my top priority but color protection, heat protection,. frizz and volume are also my concerns. I was then able to select my scent and strength - I like a strong scent in my shampoo that leaves a light linger and selected the green apple - I've been getting complime…

Vi Peel

2018 Update: Hello Internet! Welcome to my most popular blog post - I presume you're here because you're considering getting a facial peel. Please keep in mind this is an old post and my photo quality is not great. Please feel free to read and enjoy but I do want to let you know that as the years have passed I have taken a more proactive approach with my skin care and I do not get frequent peels. If you'd like to see my modern approach to skincare check out some of my other beauty posts and I'd love for you to connect with me on Instagram to keep up with my latest and greatest recommendations.
___________________________________________________________________________________

Hello! So I got my first Vi Peel which I was super excited about. Since the Botox post was popular I figure y'all would like this too. Besides, it's well established I'm beyond any sense of privacy or shame here.
I got my first peel years ago - a mild Glycolic peel added onto my fac…

Why I Blog

Years before I had an instagram account I had a Yelp account and I must admit that my very first review was a terrible 1 star review. While I think honest good and bad experiences are valuable on review sites I realized that's not the person I wanted to be. Instead of only putting negative thoughts into the world I challenged myself that for every negative review to take the time to write five positive reviews. Soon I found myself gushing over businesses I love and writing reviews of businesses I was trying for the first time. Within a few months I was invited to join the Elite squad - now I  have over 250 reviews and have reached gold elite status - this means I've been on the squad for five years. As much as I enjoy sharing reviews I enjoy reading them. I'm a planner and researcher by nature so before I go anywhere I want to know as much as possible. For example, when we go out to California we're going to have tea at the Hello Kitty Grand Café - I have read every …

This is Us

Y’all this year I was so excited for our anniversary activity - the 2nd anniversary traditional gift is cotton and there was a cotton field nearby. The website said “mid October” would be the perfect time for pictures so I booked a session for our anniversary weekend on the 21st. We stop by the field the day before to check it out and it was all gone. Even though no harvest date was listed on the website a week earlier it had since been updated that the cotton was harvested that Friday – seriously, they couldn’t have given one more weekend for photos, grr! All the other cotton fields were too far away so I cried how our anniversary was ruined. We wound up moving photos to the same spot where we took our wedding photos and brought along the dogs to get our family Christmas card photo. This session did not go as well as I would have liked – Because I didn’t plan to originally have the dogs sweetie was not freshly groomed. My brand new sweater got snagged by one of the dogs getting in and…

Birthday Discounts

Woohoo! It's my birthday week y'all! Birthdays are always a great time for brands to make customers special and each year I'm able to take advantage of some pretty good discounts in July so I thought I would share the love and talk about some of my favorite discounts and how to get them.

My absolute favorite discount is from Kendra Scott! During your birthday month you can receive one regular item at 50% off. It's your first time you'll have to show your id in store and sign up for their email list but then once they have you on file you can just go into the store and say that you would like to apply your birthday discount to your purchase and give your email address. This year I purchased the Tatiana Long Pendant Necklace which usually sells for $175. This necklace takes the look of the popular Rayne necklace and really amps it up.  
If jewelry is your thing you can also get a $10 credit from Charming Charlie - this discount is sent to Charm Rewards members at the…