Skip to main content

MandySue Got Married


You have a friend and they get married and the next time you see them you say so, how’s married life? And then they respond oh you know, not much has changed. And I’ve been both the friend who asks and their friend who has given the reply but you know what that’s a lie – in my opinion things do very much change when you get married.

I try to really respect everyone’s relationship and their individual needs so how things are for one couple may not be so for another couple and with less than 5 months in I certainly don’t think I’m kind of any marriage expert but as a newlywed I have felt a change in emotions and life approach and I thought the insight might be of interest to others.

 
As I’ve discussed before to me there’s a difference between being legally married and married in the eyes of God. I think Godly marriage is important but I recognize legal marriage it very important as well. Starting on day 1 there becomes this increased level of responsibility to ones spouse – I would hope that anyone in a committed relationship would be with their partner in good times and bad but when there’s nothing tying you together you don’t really know until something happens while marriage is making that pledge when events are unknown. And legally you are now that person’s decision maker in the event they are unable to make decisions for themselves – your spouse could literally have your life in their hands and that is some serious trust. I find I worry more about Shaun now that we’re married also feel a heightened sense of responsibility thinking about how my actions affect Shaun too. I guess this is why people become “boring old married people” – it’s one thing to take risks when you’re young and single but when those risks affect someone else it makes you think twice.

 On an emotional level to me, it makes the uncertainty of the future a little less daunting knowing that I’ll never have to face challenges alone but sometimes it can be scary because it also means that there’s twice the risk – I guess you could say there’s an increased variety of emotions. When we have conversations about simple things like our day or big picture things like our careers as a whole I don’t just listen to the conversation just to be a good listener I listen thinking how this affects us as a whole and how and if I need to make any adjustments in my own activities that better support those of my spouse.

From a financial standpoint we have chosen to combine finances and I understand that’s not for every couple – hell for the longest time I didn’t think it would be for us. But after lots of long conversations we came to the conclusion that it would be difficult for us to have shared goals and separate accounts. For a long time I thought that combining finances meant that you had to clear every single purchase with your spouse but when we took a marriage prep class we were presented with the idea of each having a set discretionary fund – GENIUS. I like to shop on a regular basis, Shaun goes through periods of buying nothing and periods of splurge and we both think the things that the other ones buys are dumb – I’m on a planner sticker binge these days and Shaun wants $50 board games I’ve never heard of, rather than try to convince the other of the merits of the things we want we just promise to stay within our pre-determined fund – no separate accounts just trust that the other one is going to do the right thing. We’ve also come to realization that we’re never going to have perfectly matched incomes;There’s going to be times when one of us makes more and one of us makes less and there’s going to be times when one works more and the other works less but to say this is my income and that is yours isn’t looking at our life as a partnership and the reality is the time and energy we each invest in our careers does affect the other person – if I work late Shaun’s on his own for dinner or if he has to work on a Saturday that’s less time we have together.

Things have changed on a physical level too, which I won’t go into in to much detail but I do feel like this is something that never really gets discussed so I’m going there. I was raised Catholic and even though it really wasn’t something my parents really preached in Christianity there is a certain level of shame and guilt associated with sex outside of marriage. This is a difficult one for me because I really admire people who wait until marriage and the older I got the less interested I became in sleeping with someone just because it would feel good but at the same time I feel like I learned and developed emotionally from my prior relationships so I can’t say if I had to do it all over again I would hold out for my husband. But I will say it’s nice to not feel guilty or to not feel guilty for not feeling guilty or to worry so much about getting pregnant – it’s like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders in this regard.

At lot of things I’ve mentioned are emotional changes- trust, worry, appreciation, commitment but there’s a more visible aspect too I think is just as important – changing my name. This is something I REALLY struggled with. On one hand I feel like although I have moments I’m glad to be passed I think I turned into a pretty decent person and my husband does too or else he wouldn’t have married me and part of me felt like changing my name meant leaving that person behind. And honestly I think it’s dumb that the norm is for the wife to change her name to her husbands and I also think it’s BS that it’s perfectly ok for women from rich families to go by their maiden name (there’s no headlines about Ivanka Kushner) but when a regular woman does it she’s seen as hyper feminist and not really committed to her husband. But at the end of the day ours means our and that extends to our last name. I also think it makes things easier with that legal recognition I talked about and that future child we’ll probably have and let’s face it, I’m all about making my life easier.

My whole life I’ve heard that marriage is 50 / 50 – well let me tell you – that’s bullshit and the math is wrong. Marriage is not addition it’s multiplication – you can’t have two people each putting in half effort and expect a full marriage. Ideally each person gives their 100%, and sometimes due to illness, work demands, or just life one person can’t give their 100% and so the other has to find a little extra to make up the gap be it with their time, money, energy or emotion.

So yeah, there’s a lot changed going from single to married and it’s not just a bunch of pain in the butt paperwork and a pretty ring.
 

Comments

Amazon

Popular posts from this blog

Holiday Mail

I love sending Christmas cards, I also love getting Christmas / holiday cards. Growing up Christmas cards were serious business. My Mom kept a book of who she sent them to and who sent one to us, three years and no card you were off the list. It's something my friends and I discuss today, seems like lots of moms ran their card list that way and now I find myself being a little less strict but keeping up with my list the same way. You would think that by 29 I'd have a pretty firm list of people I send Christmas cards to, but nope, it continues to change every year. Of course, the fact that I lost the disk with all the addresses from the prior year hurt a lot, that address list had every single person who attended my mom's memorial service or sent a card, it was a very handy but sad way to keep up with my non immediate family. A few years ago I use to think that I'd send a card to anyone that if I was to become engaged would make it onto my wedding guest list. Now that…

Loft Plus Size In Store Launch

Loft recently launched the plus size collection size 16 to 26 in 50 stores across the US. Although I will make a few exceptions I really prefer to shop in person to try on items so I was very excited to hear my local store would be one of the 50 locations offering plus sizes. The Carriage Crossing location in Collierville, TN is the only location in the entire state to feature the collection in store and I was on hand to celebrate in full force at the recent launch party.

The team at Loft Carriage Crossing is so sweet and set up the sweetest in-store celebration.

Cupcakes by Buttercup brought the A game with the sweets - these are so moist and tasty!

Ehblooms provided the most beautiful bouquets in the perfect colors to celebrate fall fashion Sarah Howard with Limelife provided makeovers which was really fun. This was my first time experiencing this makeup line and I loved the pigmentation of the eye shadows - here's my finished look:
But of course we were all there for some fab…

Birthday Discounts

Woohoo! It's my birthday week y'all! Birthdays are always a great time for brands to make customers special and each year I'm able to take advantage of some pretty good discounts in July so I thought I would share the love and talk about some of my favorite discounts and how to get them.

My absolute favorite discount is from Kendra Scott! During your birthday month you can receive one regular item at 50% off. It's your first time you'll have to show your id in store and sign up for their email list but then once they have you on file you can just go into the store and say that you would like to apply your birthday discount to your purchase and give your email address. This year I purchased the Tatiana Long Pendant Necklace which usually sells for $175. This necklace takes the look of the popular Rayne necklace and really amps it up.  
If jewelry is your thing you can also get a $10 credit from Charming Charlie - this discount is sent to Charm Rewards members at the…

Easy At Home Teeth Whitening

Recently I was asked to submit a headshot and y'all I was so embarrassed - my teeth were yellow! So I decided to use the Smile Brilliant teeth whitening system to take care of it - sure I could just edit my photos to make my teeth look white but I'd rather have a bright white IRL smile.
Over the years I have used many whitening products - toothpaste, lights, strips and make at home trays but the reality is no matter how great the solution is getting it to stay on the teeth is the key to whitening and there's simply no match for a custom fit tray - which is exactly what Smile Brilliant offers.

In order to get a custom tray without having to visit the dentist  Smile Brilliant provides the materials needed to make molds of the teeth at home to be sent off for fitting. When I received my kit it came with all the instructions and enough materials to make three molds - this way if I got it wrong on the first try it was no big deal - I had enough materials to try again. Howeve…

Essential Oil Make and Take

This year I've been doing a lot of homemade products and while it started off as being tired of running to the store for laundry detergent and face wash every few weeks its turned into more than that. As I researched and lookedup recipes   I started to discover that I could use homemade products for my health! I get migraines y'all and I will do ANYTHING to treat them. I've unsuccessful taken preventative medicine, destroyed my liver and stomach lining with OTC treatments for years, drained my bank account on prescription drugs, gone to the chiropractor, severally limited my alcohol and I still get them. My remaining options were: Botox, acupuncture, and moving to Colorado. But now I have hope. So where am I finding this hope? In essential oils. 
I've spent the past month really looking into it and decided I have nothing to lose. So as I was looking into different brands a FB friend posted that she was having an Essential Oils 101 class and Make and Take - perfect timin…